Saturday, July 8, 2017

Forever everyday.

Oh, my, gosh,

So, this has been on my mind for a while not but it's such a touchy subject that I've only talked to my family about it.
And it's still just as baffling and uncomfortable as it ever was..

The big D.
The thing that shouldn't be mentioned.
But in today's culture, it's prevalent.
Almost expected.

Social media paints such a pretty picture.
Happy marriage.
Happy family.
Happy life.
Pretty pictures.
Fun status updates.

But, reality is messy.
The lines can be so blurry.
And there's nothing more truthful that a relationship status of... married, single, in a relationship, or the ever so elusive... it's complicated.

And then you hear about that thing - the seven year itch.
The time, according to the US Census Bureau, that a divorce is likely to happen.
A time when complacency, routine, disinterest, scheduling, irreconcilable differences start to stare you in the face.
There is also a 4 year peak of divorce rate.
But who's counting years anyway?

This is where my opinion comes in.
Marriage is special and should be protected.
God, it can be hard sometimes.
So hard.
And ya know, I was married and divorced when I was 20, until 23 years old.
I think.
Honestly, time has a way of making you forget things and events.
Dates and times.
I was young, probably not in the best state of mind to be married in the first place.
Not for the right reasons, not understanding enough of responsibility.
But I will never discount the family I gained from that marriage.
My in-laws from my first marriage will ALWAYS be in my life.
I still love them to this day.
People, not marriage certificates, tend to find their way into your heart, despite the circumstances.
Life still happens and you can't take back things that happened in your past.
I never would.
I did gain a good set of people in my first marriage but that is beside the point.
I just wanted to tell you that so you could see I wasn't just "saying all of this" from a -neverbeendivorced point of mind...

But I'm older.
Understand more about life than I did when I was 20.

I have been with Roger since 2006.
We have been through some pretty earth shattering situations.
We have weathered some pretty devastating storms.
We have been through a LOT in the 11 years we have been together.
We're still together.

Because marriage takes work.
And with him, I'm safe.
With him, I have no need to worry.
But, only with him.
I don't know what makes us different from any other couple.
We still have our "issues" every. single. day.
There are still things we don't see eye to eye on. every. single. day.
We are not one person.
But we are.
Such a conundrum.
But that is us.

Our Married friends.
With families, with lives of their own, we see dissolve every day.
I could never imagine life without him.
With our daughter, who is half of him and half of me, who cherishes the mother-father relationship that we have, whether she understands it or not.
Because they don't.
Children are so young, impressionable and trusting.
They learn from us.
They depend on us.
They rely on us.
We are "their people".

A lot of people stay married for the children.
I want to stay married for my marriage.
Oh, my gosh, it's harder said than done at times.
Because we are moody humans.
We can be lazy, we can work too much, we can be stupid with finances, irresponsible with our thoughts and actions.
Sometimes we play video games too much, have to be nagged to take out the trash or clean the kitchen, wash the laundry.
Sometimes we're on our phones too much, not present enough, isolate ourselves too much.
But those are our choices.

You get out of a relationship JUST what you put into it.
My marriage is my marriage.
Your marriage is not mine.
I make a choice every day to love and show my husband my commitment.

Sometimes we both fail, miserably.
But it NEVER means I don't want to be married to him.

Lord, I pray that we can keep our marriage sacred like our parents did.
It takes work just like anything does.
It takes effort on both parts.
We are not perfect and neither is our marriage.
No one's is.
It will work if we choose for it to.

And these are just words, thoughts, observations of current realizations that have been on my mind.
That is all.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

catch up.

Long ago, and far away...
This little corner of the internet used to be my space to share all that was when it came to being a mom of a toddler and a full time nursing student.

I really enjoyed sharing my life on here.
I love writing, still do.

But Seriously?!
Has it really been like 1 post a year??

I guess so.

Business, or that excuse comes to mind.
So I'm racing, chasing all the time that has passed, trying to remember minute details of our every day lives (inconceivable) and put them in here.
Not all of them have made it - by a long shot, but a few that I've found some pictures to accompany later on down the post...

SO, without further adieu...

Half way done.
I'm a hospice nurse. Still.
I'm the admissions nurse for my growing company.
Hospice is an ever changing and growing world.

It can have a pretty high burn out rate when it comes to job positions.
It's not like any other nursing job.
It's pretty much all or nothing.
Like, you give your all.
or you don't.
And that can ware on your life and soul.

It's hard, and emotional.
It's educational and fulfilling.

It's solitary and flexible.
It can put you on the highest mountain top and bring you to your knees.
Such an oxymoron, this hospice thing.

But it is such a necessity. And such a blessing to so many that it touches.

Honestly, I don't know that I could make my career choice final as a hospice nurse, but in this season of my life, it is such a calling and a ministry that I am choosing to follow.

It is time consuming. Hours spent with families, hours charting, hours being on-call and waiting on that dang blasted phone to ring...
Not getting any sleep in the meantime from sheer anticipation.
Restlessness, wondering if your phone will ring when you step away to do something.
Anything at all.

And this is just from the view point of a hospice nurse.

So let's switch gears a minute to when I'm not a nurse.
Time spent as a wife and mom.

Hailee is about to go to the beach with my mom and dad a few days.

Child free!!
Oh, the possibilities....
But, really - we'll be working and exhausted when we get home.
Dinner will be cooked, dishes may or may not be done immediately, I'll finish charting from the day, and time will be spent decompressing from our days.

He's a plumber.

He works HARD.
His work is dirty.
His days are long.
I don't even like to find his clothes to wash them.
I have given him the ultimatum... 
If your dirty clothes are not in the laundry room, you'll have to go find them (more than likely in the garage where he stripped those dirty things off) and wash them yourself.
I do NOT stick my fingers in those pockets or flip out those inside out socks - full of sweat and GODknowswhat.
UGH. I don't even care to think about where they've been walking.

But I still do it - sometimes...

Every now and then, I pick up my guitar.
More-so I'll sit down at the piano and play because it doesn't matter if you have fingernails to play that. Guitar, fingernails just hinder playing - which is why my nails were always so short.

And now, for more pictures because I don't even know where to begin filling you in on the last year...

Truth ^^^^^^^

And for Christmas, we decided to get Hailee a dollhouse Roger would build from scratch.
One that she would play with until she's 30 (or so I'd like to believe...)
It came in a box with lots of little wooden pieces....

and then the final result....
Such a beauty with all the sweat, blood, tears, sawdust.. that went into this thing...
(minus the shingles which are on now which was just as time consuming...)

We went to Disney in Feb with the Venne family.
Hailee and Roger's first time.
So much fun!
On the first day, we all wore these matching shirts so we could always know who was in our family.

One morning before school started, Hailee woke up early before the WHOLE house and got ready on her own. I don't even know how this happened, I can't even... Literally.
When I went in to wake her up at 5:50 AM, she was up, dressed, had made herself cereal, brushed her teeth and was ready to go. THIS, from the child that I have to tell to stop singing and brush her teeth over and over again for the full 5 minutes it takes her to brush them.
Surprised the CRAP out of me.
Has never happened again.

She even left me a note down stairs.

Fire is a dangerous thing. Falling asleep smoking is another dangerous thing. Wearing O2 while smoking takes it all to a WHOLE nother level.
Just see the picture for further details.
Don't Do It.
You will blow up. And so will everything in your house.
This was from someone I knew a few years ago and recently ran across this picture.
We try to teach people that smoke while on O2 just how much you shouldn't do it.
Do they listen...
Most of the time.
When they don't ....

Hailee's spring school pictures.
I've NEVER had much faith in the whole school picture/photographer thing.
This will tell you why.
I laughed so hard when I saw this.
I took a picture to document the evidence, wonder how a professional "photographer" could ever deem this a "worthy" photograph...
Then I stuck them back in her book bag for the school to have back.
and I took my own on my big girl camera.

It's the little things...
I came home from work the other day and Roger was absolutely BURSTING at the seams to show me something.
He couldn't even wait until dark.
He is not a good secret keeper.
DO NOT tell him your secrets.
Birthday and Christmas presents rarely make it to the actual days...
He just gets so excited.
I've always wanted lights under the cabinets.
and now, I have them :)

And when he gets something in his head, he just has to do it.
[or have it - no matter what I say - I've learned to just not argue because it won't sway him either way]
He sent me like 5 text messages in a row the other day when I was at an admission telling me how much research he had done on these mowers (since we already have 2, count them, 2, mowers that are gas powered and in our garage now that are NOT working...) and just how awesome they are.
I never responded to the text because I did in my head when I saw them and just - NO.

Then today, he went out and got it.
The yard actually looks really good and his muscles are SOOO big from all that hard work ;)
(sorry, i couldn't help myself with that one... my strong man.)
No gas.
No electricity.
Just blades.
We could TOTALLY live off the grid now and have nice grass.

This is pretty much all I can put in here tonight.
Goes to show I shouldn't let so much time pass, huh??
We have stories.
We've laughed a lot.
He still snores. Loudly.
and sometimes in my face.

I still have to remember to write stuff down.
Hailee is saying some pretty smart stuff now a days ...
And big words coming out of her 8 year old mouth are still pretty funny the way they end up in sentences.

It's officially summer in the south.
I planted some Blue Bell seeds today.
We shall see if they live...
Only time will tell!!


Sunday, April 9, 2017

a love letter to my best friend.

I had something all planned out to write here, but changed my mind.

Once upon a time, there were these 2.

We were so young.
So unaware of what the future held.

Not even really thinking past high school.

Then, in 2006, our paths crossed.
I mean, REALLY crossed.
I knew of you in high school but you were my polar opposite.
I remember you from high school but never dreamed I would see you again.

Then, in 2006, we saw each other.

And this is where it all began.
You made me smile, you made me laugh, we had so much fun.

We made up words.
We spilled our food.
We watched a lot of movies.

We took so many pictures,
made so many memories

We had ups.
We had downs.
We had arguments,
we grew closer.
We made mistakes,
BIG ones.
We were changing and essentially, growing up.
And BIG mistakes have BIG consequences.
We found that out the hard way.

We were surprised by our Hailee.
She was not planned.
I cried.
You vowed to get serious and make the right choices.
but it wasn't enough.
You went through U-Turn.
We got married.
and lived happily ever after.

Yes, we're happy.
BUT - marriage is work.
And it's never without its challenges.

7 years married - 11 years together.

You're my best friend.

You know me like you know the back of your own hand.
with your eyes closed.
in the dark.
in the silence.

And I treasure that.

I choose you.

and I will continue to choose you.

because we were made for each other
and I cannot imagine doing life with anyone else.

And things are going to get hard.
And frustrating.
We are not perfect
but you were a gift to me.

You are my rock and leader through this journey.
You are my sounding board and ear for all of my doubts.
I love that you work hard.
I love your easy going personality.
I love that your thoughts are deep and your emotions are deeper.
I love your honesty and your openness.
I love sleeping next to you even when you snore.
I love that you accept me as your wife - flaws and all.
I love the way you are able to fix things.
(you're the best fixer)
I love the smiles we share.
I love your humbleness and your willingness to work on us.

Because every day, you make a choice to love me.

Happy anniversary babe.

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