Saturday, July 19, 2014

how do I love thee???

At Times...

the struggle is more real than not.
Love him, all of him: the good, the disappointing, the loyal, the discontented, the human side of him, the lazy, the child and adult side of him.
Be frustrated with his faults - not even taking into consideration the faults I have.
Be captivated by his beautiful eyes, unyielding to his constant input over what I'm doing, or listening to, or reading...
Always at a loss for words whereas in arguments, his are always in abundance.
Checking out when the conversation takes a turn toward the one-sided - usually just making things worse because he can tell...

The struggle is real.
And it's on going.
And it's exhausting because what it really boils down to is ME - having these expectations.

Unreal expectations of a fictitious, heroic, perfect husband that knows my every thought, does things before being asked, puts me above everything else, thinks of me when considering decisions that might affect our marriage, and is proud to have me as his wife, standing beside him for all of eternity.

BUT, but...
he's only a man.
Not a perfect creature.
I should not be holding him to such standards.

And sadly enough, I don't always live by the golden rule - especially when it comes to him.
He gets the most disgusting parts of my days, the awful, ugly, critical judgments that come with being so close to someone that there is no such thing as having walls up, or guarding our hearts because everything is out there for him to see.
All of me.
I don't give him nearly enough of what I expect out of him.
And in return, it creates distance between us.

I don't pour into him grace NOR mercy the way my God, full of love and sacrifice, did for me.

Instead, I pout, shake my head, stomp my feet and criticize his habits that I cannot stand, closing the door for any chance of me showing him the love that I SO desperately crave from him.

It's my choice.
And more often than not, all I have to do is choose carefully to consider my words before letting them fly out of my mouth, unbridled, ripping to shreds his confidence, and thoughts of me.
But I fall short every. single. time.

Marriage is not easy.
It's hard.
But it's worth it.
And in all of his bad qualities that I can pick apart and hold against him, there are that many more of my own that need his grace and mercy.

He's better at this whole marriage thing than I have ever been.
Hands down.
I see him with our child and can only melt at the wholeness he puts into their relationship.
And she thinks the world of him - as she should (and as I should as well...)
It's such a learning process and I can only pray that God is using all of these things, situations, circumstances to draw us closer to each other and teach us how to better love one another.
And I have a LONG way to go...

all of these amazing pictures come from a blog I follow called: Nitty Gritty Love
all these are realities that we live and I hope to strive toward.
I am a lucky girl to have the husband that I do.
Now I just need to figure out how to make sure he knows it.
That he knows I appreciate him and all he does for our family.
Because we are now a part of each other.
For all of eternity.
He is mine.
and I am his.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Show Your Real.

Show your real is a series that Courtney over at Bowdenisms came up with that I really enjoy reading.
it's real y'all.

[and other ramblings]

Summer is not my favorite.
It's July, I know. I know.
Lazy days of summer.
More like humid, melt your face off, blast the AC or else...
I could really do without the 90something degree days.
One thing I do enjoy - summer thunder storms.
I could watch them Blow in all day long.

plus, it gives me an excuse to check my Dopler Radar.
BUT FOR REAL... I cannot wait until fall rolls around again.
Granted, I'm a night shift nurse and see more evening hours than I do daytime hours.
And y'all - it's getting harder to be a night owl.
I'm like a yo-yo. 
At night, I nurse my little heart out.
Then I come home and sleep all day.
And there's the family that I have to be present for during the other daylight hours.
Bouncing back and forth is getting exhausting.
I don't know how those super nurses do the whole swing shift thing [Get it JJ!!] because I can't.
There are days when I don't see or talk to my husband for like 2 day stretches.
That can't be good.
Well... I guess it keeps us out of each others' hair for just a little while.
But it's not just him.
There's Hailee too.
And she starts kindergarten in August.
Things are really gonna be different around here.

Right now, Roger is down stairs acting all ridiculous because he's watching some FIFA world cup soccer game.
and I'm all... Seriously??!! 
In the 8 years that I've been with you, suddenly soccer has become SUCH an important thing.
Oh, wait. FOOTBALL. real football.
Idon'teven... um.. what??
I guess Germany scored or something.

Back to Hailee
She is going through a Whiny phase.
A nasally, whiny, drag sharp nails down a chalkboard, PULL YOUR HAIR OUT phase that is teaching me to watch my tone around her.
Oh, there are times I yell and lose it {in fact, that's most times - mom of the year award here, folks...} but Geez, I gotta try harder to keep my composure.
Whining is the most annoying sound to come forth from her beautiful sweet lips and I'm really hoping she gets past this quickly.
Its showing me just how little patience I have.
Not good y'all. It's hard!

Our family grew by 2 paws recently.
Meet Ash.

I'm not a cat person.
Never have been - but this kitty - she's so good!
For the most part, she is out of sight - like under the couch.
Then when she comes out, she purrs and wraps her furry little body around our arms/legs/faces then disappears back under the couch.
She does great in the house and doesn't try to keep us all awake when it's bedtime.
It almost seems too good to be true...
Still not much of a cat person.
Roger promised to do all the litter box stuff.
Because I'm not gonna.
I won't.
That's just gross.

Last book I read: The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd.
She writes so beautifully!
LOVE her stuff.
Now I need another to dive into.
I've picked up a Wally Lamb: I Know This Much is True, and it's been harder to get into.

I made it through my first Month long photo challenge on Instagram last month.
It was pretty fun.
There is one for July with Postcards From Rachel, but I'm not as On It with this one..
There's been a lot of double posting and playing catch up on this one.
I mean really, it's even been a month since I've been on here...

I found a fun new app to play with.

It's fun and pretty easy to figure out!
Just a few things I've made with it..

Oh, YEP! That's my new Erin Condren life planner for 2015.
The one I currently have goes through December of this year, so I have the new one starting in January.
The awesome thing about the Planners this year??
You can change the covers!! They just snap on and off the coils.
I'm probably gonna get a few more of the covers then change them out as the mood strikes me ;)
LOVE my Life Planner.

And just like that, it's dinner time.
Now, I gotta go delve into some raw chicken meat, cut it up into bite sized pieces and cook it in the awesome sweet and sour sauce Kikkoman makes and call it a meal.

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