Thursday, December 4, 2014

ch-ch-ch-changes

Change.
Its part of life.
Because life is fluid.
That simple realization doesn't make it any easier.

Change is hard.
But so, so relevant.
and needed.

I'm gonna tell you about my recent changes and such now.
Prepare for some rambling...

Guess what?
I'm no longer at the hospital.
I'm no longer working as an ortho/trauma nurse, which I've loved for the last year and a half.
My first nursing love.
Really??
who would have thought...
So, You work 12+ hours a day.
3 days a week (and sometimes more depending on whether or not they really need you up there).
Along side some pretty fabulous nurses, doctors, residents, techs...
Like as in - inyourface - up close and personal.

You share in their struggles, the patients that want to jump out of bed the minute you get in your groove for the night, the laughter, the delirious hour once 3am hits and you find solace and comfort in their presence.
You have some time to share your lives, the good/the bad/the crazy family (because you know, we all have a little crazy in all of our families...)
You develop a relationship - bonds even, with certain people, and they carve a place out in your heart.

Then, you leave, and it's gone.
now what?

Yeah there will always be Facebook and hanging out after jobs but its not the same.

my new normal:
Hospice.

hos·pice

noun \ˈhäs-pəs\
: a place that provides care for people who are dying


It's palliative.
Not curative.
I'm Going 360* in the other direction.
And I'm okay with that.
I will still be caring for people and making a difference in their lives.
That's what I'm all about anyway.
They won't even have a chance to "remember" me.
That's not what I'm going for.
Because everyone deserves dignity.
Even in the haze of dementia and delirium - they are still people.
People who have lived full lives (mostly) who have just declined physically and need a little more help.
People who need comfort from pain and the physical harshness that comes along with aging.
People who are moving from this world to another infinite, perfect place and need a little monitoring along that process.

That's what I'll be doing from here on out.
I'll be going to their homes, checking on them, being a small part of their lives for a small period of time.
And it's a totally new experience.
I won't be working side by side with nurses that can see and feel my every frustration and triumph.
I won't be running from room to room to see if my patients are okay or need anything.
I won't be scrutinizing over lab values and vital signs trying to figure out what is wrong/needed when things are askew.

It's a lot to take in right now.
But hopefully it will become my new normal sooner than later.
I'll be home with my family more and on a more normal schedule.
Finally, I'll be able to say T.G.I.F. again.
[but there is still no such thing as holidays...]

a nurse is a nurse is a nurse..
and that's what I am.











Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Into November.

Y'all.

Y'ALL!!

Please, pardon my lack of presence around these parts here, lately...
There's not one single thing I can blame it on except...
life has been in full swing.
The house is a constant whirlwind of activity (just the way I like it).
Coming and going.
Night shift vs day shift.
dinners, dirty dishes, dirty laundry,
DUST - dust everywhere - I mean REALLY!!??!! how do we make so much dust??!!
Sleeping at all hours of the day (you'd think I was depressed or something - so totally NOT the case).
Running BACK to the store for the 2+ things that I forgot that dinner absolutely couldn't do without...

Bills.
Paying bills.
Anticipating future bills (of the medical persuasion due to a freak case of the hives Hailee recently had that hung around for about 6 of the LONGEST days EVER)

Never mind the fact that while all this was going on, we had also made an appointment to get the cat spayed.
We get her home with all of her discharge instructions -
14 days of rest and confinement - all while wearing a goofy inflatable collar, since she kept getting out of the cone thing...
YEAH RIGHT.
whatever.
anywho.. kitty momo (my special name for her that has since became her name ((instead of ASHE my hubs name he picked out)) i got the name from phineas and ferb's ducky momo)
she RIPPED out 3 of her stitches - twice - which ended up landing her back at the animal hospital for a 10 day stay because of wound dehiscience, and all together kitty noncompliance... (like my nurse terms there?? ;)}
Kitty is home.
Kitty is healed.
thank you jesus!!!
and back to normal chasing string and trying to climb up into our faces every waking minute.

I read the whole Divergent Trilogy in less than a week.
The last part of the last book - sheer disappointment and UTTER let down.
Then, of course, I had to see the movie.
In the books and movie - I'm LESS than impressed at the guy who plays Four.
Eyes are my thing and HIS just - weren't.....
I was hoping for BLUE, STRIKING, wow, but ... no.
Strange, I know, but eyes are intense!!!!
I love eyes.
They get me every time.
As Christopher Walken says in my most favorite SNL skit - "the eyes are the windows of YOUR FACE!!"

Watch Googly Eyes Gardener from Saturday Night Live on NBC.com

LET'S not fail to mention the freak snowstorm that blew through the day after Halloween -
wake up from candy comas to 4.5 inches of snow.
with the FATTEST, juiciest snowflakes swirling through the air - leaving us in a perpetual real life snow globe.
FREAK ARCTIC BLAST.
and I have to admit - at first, I was PISSED Roger woke me up just to "look out the window"
UGH. I could have killed him.
the early riser.
We are breaking records.
AND, the beautiful maple tree in our front yard - the one whose leaves were JUST starting to display fall colors - reds/oranges/yellows/golds SPLIT in half (and more) under the weight of all the heavy snow coating the not yet fallen leaves.
I'll bet the homeowner's Association LOVES the way that poor tree looks now.
I'm expecting a notice from them Any Day...

SO, there's no easy or subtle way to announce this next one -
I'm transitioning from ortho/trauma nurse in the hospital  - 12+ hour NIGHT shifts - to a home Hospice nurse.
It's such a huge jump from one extreme to the other.
They just Offered me a Full time position with Agape Hospice!!!!!!!
So for the next month, I'll be working out my last 4 weeks at the hospital and PRN with Hospice trying to get oriented to everything new.
I'm really gonna miss everyone at the hospital. I've made some really awesome friends along the way. Hate to leave them all.

Rogers on call tonight.
Its been just Hailee and I all day.
And this momma is ready for bed.
So, goodnight.



a new favorite

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

perfect start to a perfect season.

guess what today is??
mmmm... try the 1st day of fall.

and Oh. My. Gracious.
I could just soak this perfect day up through all of my pores!
I could inhale it into my lungs and savor all the sweetness of this crisp, grey day.
With just the right amount of cloud cover and a cool breeze wafting my apple pumpkin wax melt's scent through the house.
Because the windows are wide open.
All of them [with screens].
And it has not even hit 70 degrees yet.
I've been cleaning on and off today - alternating between enjoying being off work, stripping the beds, putting away dishes, relishing the silence that isn't as common round here with Hailee's non stop chatter.

I was beginning to think summer would last forever.
And here in the south, summer usually does hang around until just about winter.
The LONG, hot  days swollen and sticky with the damp heat of humidity - hanging constantly in the air like a blanket of moisture.
Thick and suffocating.
Jettisoning the heat index up way past what the temperature really is..
The gnats annoying buzz humming around your head from the moment you step out of your door - some of the tiny insects even making it into the car - hovering near the windows, trying to get back out to the warm summer air.
Summer has worn out its welcome.
I've desperately been anticipating autumn's arrival.
I can hear the leaves rustling in the wind outside as I type this.

I saw the first brown, crinkled leaf on my porch yesterday afternoon.
Oh, the signs of the seasons to come.
Roger got excited last weekend and got a few Halloween movies and about 5 bags of Halloween candy. Just when I'm about to start this whole Beachbody mess too...
He's mean.
It's just plain ridiculous the amount of candy that's in our home - more than there has been since last October...
Good thing sweets aren't my weakness.
I'm more of a Cheetos kind of girl.
But candy doesn't stand a chance when Roger and Hailee are around :)

Oh, October.
You're SO CLOSE!!!
....S I G H....
breathe it in, hold the cool air in your lungs, then exhale.
So nice. 

The colors of fall are so rich.
So bold.
So fiery.
Some of my fave finds from pinterest:












I mean really.
Who can resist fall's gentle tug as you pull on your light jacket?
The shorter, cooler days.
The changing colors.
I love it. All of it.



                                                            ^^ hailee took this one^^

Happy Fall Y'all.




Tuesday, September 9, 2014

september

In case I haven't mentioned it..

We have a kindergartner!


And no, I don't have one of those 1st morning of school stories.
I wasn't able to take my baby to her first day of kindergarten.
I had to work the night before, so Roger took her.
HOWEVER...
the night before (and before I had to go into work), we had a meet the teacher/find your classroom time.
Hailee got to go on a scavenger hunt around the class room, pick out her desk, a book, and a beanie baby to go in her basket on her desk. At the end of the scavenger hunt, she found her own little cubby that had a pack of goldfish in it with the above sweet little note on it.

Instead, that little note about made me cry.
Then, when I was wrapping up my night at work and I knew she would be on her way to school, I almost cried again.
And it hasn't really been that big of a deal for her.
To her, it's just another day.

I try to let her have as much say in getting dressed and ready/packing her lunch as I can. But the girl DRAGS in the mornings! By 7am, I'm ready to pull. out. my. hair. in getting her out the door. Who new it took a whole hour just to eat/brush teeth/get dressed. God knows it doesn't take me that long to get out the door.
We are always waiting on her.
She has to poop 4 times before we leave.
She has to make sure her babies are put to bed before we leave.
She has to tell the cat goodbye...
It's a miracle we get out of the house on time.
Then, it takes 25 minutes to get 5 miles down the road in the morning traffic at that time.
and we are LITERALLY 5 miles from the school.
25 minutes.
ridiculous.


We ordered her a school T-shirt.
I'm pretty sure they sent an adult small instead of a youth small.
She'll grow into it [at this rate, quicker than I'd hope]




and some other random stuff;


1. Ordered a new pair of lovelies from Sara over at Tiny Galaxies
2. Workin out
3. She lost her 1st tooth last week!!
4. Playing songs on her kitty key board
5. All the rain collected in the wheelbarrow from some storms that rolled through a few days ago
6. The rainbow after the storm
7. Stethoscope made it home after work the other night
8. Dinner prep: sausage, zucchini, tomato, onion, garlic, rice all put together in a yummy casserole
9. Hailee and Ashe

Last night, none of us got good sleep.
Roger was on call and his phone was ringing every few hours. He didn't even get home until after 11pm. LONG day for him. I'm pretty sure we will both  sleep good tonight.

All of these overcast days we've been having recently have just made me want to nap and nap and nap = great sleeping weather on the days I need to be asleep.


entryway is coming along a little better...
Got the mirror from The World Market.
It still has a long way to go, but it's a start.



Currently playing that I'm loving:



For real, y'all - we are already almost half way through with this month.
BRING ON FALL!!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Life lately.

Can you believe it??
2 posts in one week.
Or maybe one that some of you know about.
[sneaky me!]
Either way, it's more action from me than normal here recently.
This one is called Life lately and it's in response to Courtney's post over at Bowdenisms.


Bowdenisms

without further adeu, I bring you....
life, lately.

Making: slow progress on the house (see previous post for pics and more details on that one). There is still a looooong list of things that need to be done around here but its feeling more and more like "home". I have to admit that I'm still having to pinch myself at times - we bought our first house - it's ours - the morgage bill that comes every month totally solidifies it (as does the $100 extra we pay on the principle every month so it can be paid off in 17ish years.

Drinking: coffee.
lots and lots of coffee. Oh, the life of a night shift nurse. Coffee in the morning, coffee in the evening, coffee all through the day... On the mornings I take Hailee to school and don't have to work that night, getting back to the house by 7:30 am gives me TONS of time to get things done.

Cooking: We have several meals we stick pretty closely to - and occasionally, I throw in a few dishes Roger and I enjoy. Some of the things are on my family's favorite recipe page. Spaghetti, pork chops (or chicken) baked in Dale's Seasoning sauce, breakfast is a favorite, crock pot stuff, and now that it's (hopefully soon) going to be getting cooler out, Zuppa Toscana!!


Reading: Wally Lamb's I Know This Much Is True (still). Y'ALL!! It's a huge book - 928 pages - and I'm half way through. It's more of a bubble bath read since there's not much time for it otherwise. AND, studying Matthew 5 - 7; Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. Our women's bible study group at church wrapped this up over the spring and I was only able to get to a few of them. Afterward, I want to get the She Reads Truth study through the same thing and just go back over it with another person's perspective.





Wanting: to be able to be there for my family in the day time. To not have to have a full day away from them to recover from working as a night shift nurse. Basically, I want a day job that's not 12+ hours a day and where I can still use all the great nursing skills I've acquired over the last few years with school and my work on the ortho / trauma unit at the hospital. I LOVE my job and I LOVE my co-workers but I need to put my family first.

Looking: for all things that have to do with fall. It's my favorite season of all for many reasons. Everything about it is crisp and lovely.

Playing: mine craft with fold-able paper toys. Can I tell you just how insanely crazy Hailee is with this game? Her and Roger play it on the computer together too. I was down stairs one night listening to them play when Hailee started screaming bloody murder, "DADDY, HELP, A SPIDER!!!!!" For all I thought, there was a huge, scary spider somewhere near her in the guest room. Nope. It was in the game and she freaked out, ran into the office with Roger because she didn't know how to kill it before it killed her.


Wasting: time on Pinterest pinning random stuff... just like everyone else in the world.

Wishing: the garage was cleared out and the electric garage door opener was installed so I can park in there.

Enjoying: taking pictures with my big girl camera and learning more things about it. It's a Canon Rebel T3 and I love it!!

Waiting: on my husband to get home on the nights I have to leave for work at 6 pm is extremely stressful for me - especially this week when my mom and dad are not available (same with next week).

Liking: that it's starting to get dark earlier. Did I mention how much I love fall?? Because I love it.

Wondering: where the time has gone. Has it really been 5 years since our little surprise baby showed up on the scene? and also wondering what goes on in that active, highly imaginative mind of her - I ask what she's thinking about all the time and get the answer, "fairies and princesses"

Loving: this breezy weather BUT wishing the temperatures were 15 - 20 degrees cooler.

Hoping: the greek dressing I'm marinading the chicken for tonight's dinner comes out of the shirt I squirted it all over and that it doesn't leave splotchy oil stains. I REALLY need to learn not to cook in my favorite T-shirts. I've already ruined so many of them. (and just in case you were wondering because I wrote this all out last night, the stains did not come out  : (

Marveling: at how amazing it is that my job allows me to make a difference in someone's (or 4-5 someone's) life every time I go to work. It really is a priceless to me when there is something I can do for another person that helps them along their journey to recovery. We may not even remember each other weeks or months from then, but in that moment, they have all of me.

Needing: to sleep some more in preparation for tonight's shift at work.

Smelling: the Thankful Harvest wax melts that I have burning in the kitchen.


Wearing: a T-shirt and pair of black scrub pants. I love that I get to wear pajamas to work. BUT, my wardrobe is pretty limited when it comes to nicer things since all I have to wear to work is scrubs. Double edged sword, huh.

Following: all the ALS videos but not doing the ice water thing myself (since it really has nothing to do with the disease). Instead, as a nurse, I want to focus more on educating people about this horrible, fatal, imprisonment of a disease for which there is no cure. Anna wrote something here that I loved. I'm glad for all the light that is being shed on ALS through these videos but its more important to know what it's about.


Noticing: that we need to hang more stuff on the walls. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one for clutter but bare walls are just crying for some decorating tips. My husbad is the chief picture | mirror | sconce | curtain rod hanger in this household. Who am I kidding? he does it all: plumbing, electrical, fan hanging, painting, light fixture changing, grill master, bug killer... I think I'll keep him around.

Knowing: that I need to make more time available for God and other areas of my life will flow better.

Thinking: this is a really cool kitten. She pretty much lets Hailee play with her and carry her around whenever and wherever. And she loves to cuddle (I'm so not a cat person, but Ashe is all right).


Bookmarking: anything and everything having to do with fall, the home and new recipes to try that my "keep-it-simple-keep-it-the-same" 5 year old would eat.

Opening: my Bible more

Giggling: at Hailee as she chases around Ashe with her remote control LaLa Loopsie car

Feeling: so ready for this new season in more ways than one!!

a song I'm pretty into right now:


Sunday, August 24, 2014

home sweet home.

I've never done this before because:
a) my house isn't usually this clean
b) we are still trying to make it our own
c) there is still a lot of work for us to do
d) I know nothing about decorating

but here is some of our home.
welcome!




I had been looking for an entryway table that would be the right size.
Recently, my grandmother sold the lake home that had been in our family for many many years.
We were all going up and getting some of the furniture out to help her move.
This old sewing machine table was exactly the right size.
Now, I just need something to go on the wall above it...



the gym:
I'll be here bright and early in the morning.
it's SOOOO convenient!!



Right now in the "formal" dining room, there's a Dr. Who puzzle spread across my table.
(And most of the chairs are up in Hailee's room - see last picture on this post...)


an old entertainment center serves as a sideboard/buffet that we will eventually get.


Living room.
Decorations needed.
and updated furniture for some time in the future...



one of the old end tables from the lake place






Dining room.
Table that's been in the family for 75 years.
Wall art from The World Market and The Shabby Shak (etsy store) both of which many other things are going to come from.


kitchen


Guest room.
For one guest ;)




and finally, at the moment, all of the chairs, sheets, blankets are making a fort that encompasses Hailee's entire room.


Now it's time to get this little one in the bath and ready for bed since 6 AM comes early.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Social Media Sunday

To post or not to post...
And even after asking that question - how much to post?
to put out there - and just how personal do you want to get with it?
Who reads it?
Is there any room for misinterpretation?
Would you even say what you posted to people's faces?





At first, I started blogging to remember all the things that came with being a new mother. Because in the whole sleep deprived mommy mind, those days can pass in such a blur. And then all you're left with are some fuzzy memories of trying to figure out what exactly her cries meant, when exactly did she move from one baby stage to another, milk and baby food stained burp cloths and a phone/camera full of pictures of the rapidly changing baby face that you would intently try to study and memorize as a brand new mother.
That is, only really being able to record these things during nap time. And when you have a baby that didn't believe in naps (like Hailee) you get the picture...

THEN, there was my transition into full time student in a very hard nursing program.
And 2 years later, the completion of that program and the jump to a baby RN.
And can you believe I've been a nurse for over a year now?? I CAN'T!!
I've also been a nurse preceptor to some of the newer nurses to our unit and now I'm being eased into the position of charge nurse (of course not without a lot of kicking and screaming on my part).
So, there's that.

Social media is still relatively new.
I've been out of high school for 15 years now.
When I was in high school, cell phones were few and far between.
And they were Gigantic!
And forget about all the websites like MySpace, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.... because there was nothing of the sort.
We had real friends.
Not just people to add to a list of friends.
And we wrote our friends letters.
Passed notes in class.
We talked and called each other on the phone. We didn't have text messaging.
But hey, that's just me.
AND, I'm sure there are A LOT of people who can relate to my own teenage years.

Then, social media popped onto the scene.
You can be "friends" with anyone that accepts your friend requests.
You can peek into someone else's life - yet not quite know them... Only the parts they pick and choose to put out there on the internet.
You can argue and debate with people from behind the safety of your computer/phone/tablet screen - sometimes even anonymously.

Has the 1st generation of social media babies grown up yet?
The ones who have had their birth pictures, first steps, first words, adventures in potty training, blah blah blah posted and uploaded to the internet for all to see and for anyone to be able to find?
How do THEY feel about that?
Not even given the choice of how much of their lives they've wanted exposed to the internet.

Not everyone wants or has social media accounts.
Not everyone cares about the every day comings and goings of their "friends" or even just random people they meet once then share their whole lives with through barrages of posts and pictures.
My husband is one of these people and social media has always been a sensitive subject in our household.
Yes - he has Facebook but only really uses it to keep up with his real friends and family (and to see what I put out there, of course). He puts more of his time into cultivating those real relationships. He puts less of our lives out there for all to witness. And he's less than impressed at some of the things I put out there. It has caused me to reevaluate social media and to think about the "Why's" of it all.

LIKE....
Why am I "friends" with people I've never even been real friends with??
Is it a curiosity thing?
Another blogger I love to keep up with is in the same situation with her husband, who equates social media with vanity. Amy puts it best HERE.
Look at Me and My life.
See all of these good things??
Good!
Because I'm not going to show you all of the bad that is most definitely there...

I'm staying away from putting so much on Facebook. I've even backed away from blogging a bit. But I love to write and I've developed some great friendships through the blogging community. They can be super encouraging, supportive and inspiring.
I've even perused through my cell phone pictures, noticing that I haven't been taking as many pictures lately. Maybe it's just the lazy days of summer - those sweltering temperatures and relentless gnats that keep us from crossing the threshold of our cool home into the back or front yards.
Nonetheless, fall is coming!
And I'm gonna be one of the first to welcome it with open arms, open windows and more outdoor pictures.
I'm gonna try to be less present on Facebook and more engaged in the life happening in real time all around me. What a concept, huh??
But I still love keeping up with everyone who shares their talents of writing and photography on here and through instagram!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

how do I love thee???



At Times...

the struggle is more real than not.
Love him, all of him: the good, the disappointing, the loyal, the discontented, the human side of him, the lazy, the child and adult side of him.
Be frustrated with his faults - not even taking into consideration the faults I have.
Be captivated by his beautiful eyes, unyielding to his constant input over what I'm doing, or listening to, or reading...
Always at a loss for words whereas in arguments, his are always in abundance.
Checking out when the conversation takes a turn toward the one-sided - usually just making things worse because he can tell...

The struggle is real.
And it's on going.
And it's exhausting because what it really boils down to is ME - having these expectations.


Unreal expectations of a fictitious, heroic, perfect husband that knows my every thought, does things before being asked, puts me above everything else, thinks of me when considering decisions that might affect our marriage, and is proud to have me as his wife, standing beside him for all of eternity.



BUT, but...
he's only a man.
Not a perfect creature.
I should not be holding him to such standards.



And sadly enough, I don't always live by the golden rule - especially when it comes to him.
He gets the most disgusting parts of my days, the awful, ugly, critical judgments that come with being so close to someone that there is no such thing as having walls up, or guarding our hearts because everything is out there for him to see.
All of me.
I don't give him nearly enough of what I expect out of him.
And in return, it creates distance between us.



I don't pour into him grace NOR mercy the way my God, full of love and sacrifice, did for me.



Instead, I pout, shake my head, stomp my feet and criticize his habits that I cannot stand, closing the door for any chance of me showing him the love that I SO desperately crave from him.


It's my choice.
And more often than not, all I have to do is choose carefully to consider my words before letting them fly out of my mouth, unbridled, ripping to shreds his confidence, and thoughts of me.
But I fall short every. single. time.



Marriage is not easy.
It's hard.
But it's worth it.
And in all of his bad qualities that I can pick apart and hold against him, there are that many more of my own that need his grace and mercy.


He's better at this whole marriage thing than I have ever been.
Hands down.
I see him with our child and can only melt at the wholeness he puts into their relationship.
And she thinks the world of him - as she should (and as I should as well...)
It's such a learning process and I can only pray that God is using all of these things, situations, circumstances to draw us closer to each other and teach us how to better love one another.
And I have a LONG way to go...


all of these amazing pictures come from a blog I follow called: Nitty Gritty Love
all these are realities that we live and I hope to strive toward.
I am a lucky girl to have the husband that I do.
Now I just need to figure out how to make sure he knows it.
That he knows I appreciate him and all he does for our family.
Because we are now a part of each other.
For all of eternity.
He is mine.
and I am his.




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