Friday, June 1, 2012

emotionally exhausted.

this week was hard.



not when it comes to children suffering, sick, dying....

not fun.
let me tell you how hard that lecture was.

i had tears in my eyes the whole time.
i held it together - but broke - mah - heart!

children: sweet, innocent, vulnerable, beautiful, trusting, loving, brave, courageous, SMART!!!, amazing, happy, giving little people.

and this week, we had lectures on child abuse, and chronic illness, disability, and death of the child.

a super sweet, funny woman that sits next to me in class HAS lost a child.
She cried.
Icouldnotlookather - Or i would've cried.

THEN, there was a sweet girl in my class [chels] that told us about a child dying - after a golf cart turned over - OF ALL THINGS!!!
was in the ICU, unconscious, brain-dead - and the parents had to decide to take the babe off life support.
the mother held her baby's [close to teenager] hand the WHOLE time
it was one of the NURSES that had a statue type thing made of them holding hands (molded their hands in the stuff you use to mold your mouth for detal things) RIGHT before they decided to take the child off life support.
[oh, the touch of a nurse...]

THAT is when i almost lost it.

the only thing i could think of was... hailee

my 3 year old, spunky, smart, amazing, funny, happy, FULL OF LIFE daughter

and how tiny her hands are.
and how intricate her hands are.
and HOW MUCH she uses her hands.
and how much i LOVE those sweet little hands.
and how that statue would look it if were her hand and my hand.

[i want to cry just thinking about it - thanks chels ;)]

AND - how i didn't want children.

and how she was the best and most amazing surprise i could have EVER expected.

and how her precious life turned my [NOW] husband's life from drug addiction to a life of servitude to Christ Jesus.

and how she touches other people's lives EVERY DAY...

yes, Pediatrics is fun, but it is VERY hard for me.

my heart, as a nurse, wants to 'fix' things.
there are some things that cannot be fixed.
and when it comes to a child, it makes me want to cry.

.... CAMP KEMO!!!!!!

this will be my service learning project for the semseter.
what an amazing experience it is going to be.
with children, and their siblings, that are suffering from, and have suffered through blood disorders, and cancers.
in 2 weeks, i will be helping out with this camp, and very proud to be a part of it.
who knows... maybe i'll keep doing it every year ;)

brave, encouraging little souls.

this makes me excited more than you can know.

to touch a child's life.
to be a part of a sick child's FUN WEEK OF CAMP!!!!
is super encouraging..

my daughter has my heart in her hands.
only after 3 years, i can already tell you, that this journey of parenthood is going to be a beautiful, difficult experience that is going to evolve over a lifetime.
i can only pray that it lasts that long.


happy friday...
I'm off to sing/co-lead worship for U-Turn - love it!


  1. That would absolutely break my heart- I don't think I'd have the strength! You're amazing.

    1. And that is why I probably won't be working as a pediatric nurse. We went to the blood disorder/chemo treatment clinic for children & the nurse we spoke with said she'd never do peds of oncology & there she is working with it.

  2. I really dream of working with pediatrics. I know it's heartbreaking, but it's where my heart his. Dream job would be to work at St Jude's, but I'm also interested in NICU and PICU and maybe labor and delivery.
    How did you get involved in Camp Kemo, that sounds amazing?!!!

    1. And as one if your posts says... Sometimes God PUTS dreams in your heart. Dreams you never even considered :) camp kemo was a choice in a group of service learning pediatric projects for this summer. My 1st choice!! And next summer, if I pass NCLEX before camp, I can volunteer as a camp nurse!! So pediatrics isn't totally out of my realm. Just further away.


say it with a smile.

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